Transcript of “Heal Yourself Talk Radio Show - Transforming Pain into Power”
Aired: 4/13/2008
More info: Heal Yourself Talk
MALE ANNOUNCER: Welcome to HEAL YOURSELF TALK RADIO with your show host, Rebecca White. Whether in your personal or professional life HEAL YOURSELF TALK RADIO will have speakers to guide you each week on how to create abundance in your life while gaining valuable information on healing your mind, body and spirit. While we offer advice and share our opinions, Heal Yourself Talk Radio is an advice show. Please use advice at your own discretion. Now, here’s your host Rebecca White.
MUSIC
REBECCA: Good afternoon everyone, this is Rebecca White and it’s Friday, April 11th. Kim will be along shortly, she’s running a little bit behind. But before I go into introducing Doris Helge, who is our guest speaker today talking about TRANSFORMING PAIN INTO POWER, I’d like to remind you all that have been listening, Kim and Doris as well, and this has been just… the show is going to be really great because the two people that have really helped me out through a lot of different things now over the past year and a half are on here. Doris is the guest speaker and Kim is my co-host. So I’m really excited to have all three of us on together.
But before I go into the interview I would like to remind everybody that Kim’s been my life coach and she has a free open house going on at her website next week, at Prosperity Mind-Set. And it’s part of her coaching program and it’s such a wonderful feeling. We all get together once a week and Kim helps you learn about the laws of attraction and how you can learn to manifest things in your life as well as helping you deal with different emotions that you may be going through, while you’re learning about manifesting items into your life. And this can be not just manifesting money but manifesting happiness into your life as well. And so I’d like to invite all my listeners to go over, sign up for Kim’s newsletter at Prosperity Mind-Set and sign up for her newsletter and the announcement with all the call in numbers, the time and everything for next Wednesday, April 16th. It will be sent out next week.
I’m going to go ahead and do announcements right now since we’re waiting for Kim. Next Tuesday, I am so excited, Patch Adams is coming on HEAL YOURSELF TALK RADIO. Patch has always been a hero of mine. I first got introduced to him, as most people did, with the movie PATCH ADAMS with Robin Williams. And his whole philosophy of free healthcare, and also making health happy and fun, has been an instrument in a lot of the things that I do. Because I know, I’ve been in and out of hospitals several times over the last eight years, and know how sad you can be when you’re laying there in that hospital. And it’s just hard to be happy when you’re in the hospital. And to watch somebody just like Patch, who brings fun into any circumstance, so that you smile, is going to be really exciting. So I do invite you all to come on and listen to Patch Adams. Ask any questions, call in.
Today we have Doris Helge with us. Doris, I’m going to go ahead and introduce you. I think Kim’s running a little bit later than what she thought. So, Doris Helge, she is the author of TRANSFORMING PAIN INTO POWER. And I do have to say, I’ve read this book twice now and I so highly recommend Doris’ book. She also has one called JOY ON THE JOB. And that’s great for whether you work out of the home and are an entrepreneur or are a manager as well I believe. Doris’ website is More Joy on the Job. Now Doris is an internationally known writer, speaker, consultant and trainer. She’s been featured in both scholarly and popular publications. And has appeared on many television and radio programs. Her work has assisted thousands of individuals across North America to meet their greatest challenges and to bring joy into their lives.
Welcome to the show Doris. I’m so glad to have you own. And Kim, I see you popped in too. How’re you doing today Kim?
KIM: I made it and I’m great.
(Laughing)
KIM: Glad to be here with you and Doris.
REBECCA: Are you there Doris?
DORIS: Hi Kim. I’m glad to hear you also.
KIM: Wonderful.
REBECCA: Now on Tuesday we had Dr. Andrew and Dr. Dave with us talking about THE END OF THE LIFE HANDBOOK, and those of you that listened in to the show heard a little bit of what we had gone through when we lost my grandmother. She fell and broke her hip in October and in November she suffered a stroke. I believe it was the second week in November. So she went from the nursing home into the hospital, for the last two weeks - oh actually it was the first week in November, I apologize - then two weeks in the hospital and one week in hospice. And that was the longest six weeks I can ever remember. Because we didn’t know from day to day what was going to happen. And those of you who have known me for a couple years, my mother-in-law passed away almost three years ago and it was a sudden death.
The show today is going to be how to deal with that pain after you’ve lost a loved one. Doris was very instrumental. Doris, I’m going to thank you publically because you really helped me out. I was really in a befuddlement the week after my grandmother passed. And you gave me some really wise words. In fact, you and Kim both told me to get off the computer, and go deal.
(Laughing)
DORIS: You have to honor Rebecca.
REBECCA: Exactly, let yourself deal with the grief. I’m one of those types that likes to push it off. In fact, I pushed off my mother-in-law’s death for so long that is was almost a year and a half later that I started dealing with it. And when I did it was really hard. I totally just collapsed from not dealing with it and having a whole year of back stuffed emotions. But Doris, the thing with transforming pain into power, can you give just a brief description of what your book is about? And we can go ahead into talking about how to deal with the pain after losing someone.
DORIS: Sure. TRANSFORMING PAIN INTO POWER is a really fun book and the reason is it gives you freedom to own your own power. It gives you freedom to own all the richness of the human experience, by acknowledging all of your emotions. So you don’t have to do what Rebecca just described. You don’t have to run your immune system down by not dealing with emotions. There really is a reason that we have them. And I know a lot of people really want to try to push all the ones that we label negative away. But they serve us too. There’s a power in anger that’s passion for yourself. There’s a sweetness in grief. There is a real alertness factor in fear that helps us go into our next step, and be successful in whatever way we choose to. So I’m a great fan of the richness of the emotional parts of lives.
REBECCA: And that is so true. You have to have all feelings. And again, I’m the type of person that likes to shove away the negative. I really don’t like feeling grief. I hate sadness. I especially hate dealing with anger. And that’s one thing Kim can attest to. I have a hard time dealing with anger. There are certain things in my life I just cannot let go. And I need to learn how to do that. But like you said, those negative emotions, they’re there because they’re also there to teach you. And they’re there to enrich your life as well as the good stuff that goes on in your life. And if you push those away,…what are your feelings Doris? If you push those away, what will that do to you?
DORIS: It’s kind of like if I say to you right now “don’t think about a pink elephant”, there’s no way you’re not going to think about a pink elephant.
REBECCA: Very true. I just pictured a pink elephant.
KIM: Oh in fact I’ve got one sitting right here with me.
(Laughing)
DORIS: There you go. And that’s true for all of us. You know, over 95% according to studies, of all the emotions that we have, we’re not even aware of. And so once we allow whatever we are aware of to flow through, life becomes very, very easy. And that’s one of the most simple and powerful tools you can possibly have. Instead of trying not to think of the pink elephant, let whatever exists be there. Trust the process of your life, which is a journey for all of us. But once you get to the point where you really trust that whatever is happening is absolutely perfect, everything just goes through in a blink.
You know, when you see a baby, a baby never gets stuck in a negative emotion. They’re crying one minute, they’re laughing the next. They’re crying one minute, they’re laughing the next. It’s adults who feel like we get stuck in an emotional phase. And it’s only because we don’t just constructively experience whatever exits, and allow it to flow through.
KIM: The way that you’re describing this is so beautiful because in our society today we have learned that we are supposed to shove all of this stuff away from us. And we’re not supposed to pay any attention to quote unquote, negative experience. But in all actuality, and all reality, those negative things, and even that term “the dark night of the soul”, when we’re in our darkest hour, those are the things that propel us into a far greater existence. And to hear you describe it Doris, I love the verbiage that you use. So I’m excited to be able to read your book. Because I already really resonate with what you’re saying.
DORIS: Thank you. And I’m pleased that you’re on the show. It’s just a gift to be able to explore this kind of experience with other people who really understand it. And I didn’t understand it at first. And that’s why I wanted to write this book, to help people. Make their learning curve a lot easier and faster than mine was.
I really struggled. Like Rebecca was talking about, and tried to push away all what I considered negative. And later I was so grateful for every difficult experience I ever had. I would never have been the person I am today without that. And everything that happens to me now when it’s a challenge, I go “Hm, what can I learn from this one?” That’s our freedom. What can I learn? What can I learn?
KIM: Beautiful.
DORIS: Thomas Edison, he was always curious. People said, “Why are you such a failure? Why do you keep trying? You‘ve tried thousands of times, to develop a light bulb.” And he kept saying, “I’m not a failure, I’m learning.”
(Laughing)
KIM: Amen.
REBECCA: My favorite quote. Everybody that knows me knows I quote that.
DORIS: And how many inventions did he create?
REBECCA: Exactly.
DORIS: He never judged anything. He was so curious, just like a baby. Oh boy, what’s next? What can I learn?
KIM: Love it.
REBECCA: We have a caller that popped on. I want to make sure that if this person has a question, or if they’re just listening to the show. Caller that just called in, there’s no number so I can’t say what area code you’re from, I’m going to unmute you. So if you have a question, go ahead. If you’re just listening to the show, say “I’m just listening” and I’ll mute you back up. Okay?
CALLER: Hello? How are you today? Are we talking about pain and power?
REBECCA: Yes we are.
CALLER: Can I ask another question?
REBECCA: Yes.
CALLER: Can I say something?
REBECCA: Who is this?
CALLER: This is the one from over there, in Toronto. It’s my birthday today by the way.
REBECCA: Oh hello, how are you?
DORIS: Happy Birthday.
CALLER: Thank you very much.
REBECCA: What’s your question?
CALLER: That was two questions. I wasn’t allowed two questions, right?
(Laughing)
REBECCA: Well one question and then we gotta go---
CALLER: Well what about the second question? Do I get an answer for the second question?
REBECCA: Okay, go ahead.
CALLER: I already asked it. Can I say something? Oh, I did say something. Something. Hey, got me.
REBECCA: Thank you for calling.
CALLER: Can I say something else? Oh that’s three questions.
REBECCA: If you have a question please say it because I need to--
CALLER: Okay, question. Pain into power is fun, right?
DORIS: Pain into power is whatever we allow it to be. So if I’m experiencing grief for example, if I will just let my grief flow, there is a sweetness that is inherent in grief, that actually makes me very joyful. Why am I joyful? Because I have the capacity to love so deeply, that I actually was attached to someone that is gone. Or an experience that is gone. That’s the fun in the pain. And it’s a beautiful experience. So thank you for picking up on that.
REBECCA: That is definitely a very good explanation because when you are faced with something that is, like hurtful, or sadness, and you look at it, like you were saying earlier Doris, like a lesson that we need to learn, that is a great way to look at it. When you told me that a year or so ago and I first got your book, it actually did help me when my grandmother passed away. Because I looked at it as exploring all my emotions, even though I did fall back into old patterns as far as getting back into my old life. Stuff that I do. Just because certain times I cope. And then finally one day you said, “Okay, you’re not coping. You’re shoving it away.” And it went Bingo! And you actually said, “Go play a game.” Get your mind, and, how did you describe it? It was a way of moving part of, one side of my brain to another part so I could sit there and not really concentrate on the pain. But when I was playing that game, it actually all came out.
KIM: I love it.
DORIS: It’s allowing instead of forcing. See the right brain is always about present moment. The left brain is about living in the future or living in the past. And so when you’re in that state that Rebecca just described, if you do something to activate the other part of your brain, then things will just flow a lot more easily.
REBECCA: And it did. Because I was sitting there playing that game and all of a sudden I just started balling and I looked up, there was grandma’s picture. And it all came out, finally.
DORIS: Yeah, it’s a really sweet technique. That’s an example of how simple all this can be. And again, like our guest said, it can also be a lot of fun.
KIM: Doris, this is Kim, I just want to say that I love that technique. And I want to repeat it for our listeners. What Doris encouraged Rebecca to do is to go play a game. And from personal experience, I can just say that if I’m just sitting doing a mindless video game on the computer, and I’m not a real wild video game player, so it’s really some simple thing like tic-tac-toe, right, when I’m doing that, I can visit all kinds of things. My spiritual growth, my pain and what I’m wrapped up in. What I have forgotten and haven’t dealt with. Things like my mother’s passing that I never dealt with in my earlier years, came to me. So Doris, this is genius, absolutely genius.
DORIS: It’s just the way we’re set up. See, all the emotions are right next to each other in the brain. If you honor one, the other is automatically available to you. If you try to push one away, you’re pushing all the others away. You can’t just feel one type of emotion. We’re set up with all of them. And like the baby, if we allow it all to be there without judging it, life becomes very, very simple. And we can go on for hours about the right and left brain and how fun that is. People that tend to be depressed a lot tend to need to stop and activate their left brain. Because the right brain is taking over to a degree that it’s running the show. So they might do a math problem and then they might feel very different and be able to have a very new perspective open up in their lives. Sometimes it’s the opposite. You’ll know. Again, we can talk about this for hours.
But if you see yourself really living in the past, really living in the future and you want to get back into the present moment, you might go into nature, which is going to activate your right brain. Multi-sensory processes which nature is all about, are very, very important.
KIM: You know, interesting Doris, because yesterday, was it yesterday, we had Diane on the show, who was talking about chakras. And clearing your chakras. And one of the chakras is the root chakra, or it’s called the Red Door. It has the color of red in it. It’s the one that sits at the bottom of the spine. And she was talking about this. About getting grounded. Get your feet on the Earth. And it’s the same concept. So that’s interesting that it’s related from our show yesterday.
DORIS: Right. And again, multi-sensory is so rich in nature. Even if you’re cooped up in the winter and it’s pouring down rain outside you can do multi-sensory activities. Aromatherapy will open up a very different channel within your brain. It’s all about stimulating different senses so that things can flow in their own natural way. You find the stuck energy and you allow it to flow.
REBECCA: Now Doris, I had a question for you. As far as the emotions, there’s been some…one of the ladies in the chat room just posted that it took her a long time to grieve. Her mother had passed when she was two years old. And there’s been instances in my life, where somebody passed away that I didn’t know very well, but I still grieved. And I still felt that loss. And it was really confusing because I didn’t really know that person that well. Do you have a way of explaining why I would still want to grieve for somebody that I may not know that well? Or may have only been in my life just a short little bit of time?
DORIS: How well did most people know Princess Di personally?
REBECCA: Very true.
DORIS: And how long did people grieve Princess Di’s death? We are supposed to be affected by other people’s experiences. Otherwise we wouldn’t be connected. We’re so connected to each other. And the other answer is, there’s so many stages to our lives. It’s like if someone was abused as a child, anytime they go through a major challenge in life, there is some component of the abuse that will come up again. And that’s really good. People judge it and they hate it and they say I already did all that. They’re just doing a different layer of that. And the beauty is, they become stronger each time. The become very powerful people if they bother to process these things. Which are painful to process, but it’s such an incredible gift long-run that you have to stop judging it then you think, wow, I’m really glad I had that experience. Because look at me now. It gave me opportunity to be this incredible being that can be so compassionate, and loving and understanding. They tend to be very intuitive. Very insightful. And again, tremendously personally powerful people.
And so Rebecca, of course you would be affected by other people’s events. You are part of them. And they’re part of you. That’s part of your beauty and why I love you so much. You have a huge heart.
REBECCA: Thank you.
KIM: Amen to that.
REBECCA: My girlfriend in Arkansas right now she’s going through a really difficult time. Her husband’s grandfather is dying. I mean, he’s in the hospital bed and everything is pretty much shutting down, but he just won’t let go. And it’s been very difficult for her and the family because he won’t let go. And it’s so hard because she was just talking to me this morning and I wish I could’ve gotten on a plane and gone down there and hugged her. Because she’s the strongest person I know, as far as…Shell and I met years ago, five and half years ago, online. We’ve never met in person. That is something we say we’re always going to do. But we talk to each other every day. I know her inside and out. She knows me inside and out. And she’s like a best friend. And most of my friends are online to be honest with you. You know, I’ve got one really close friend here in town, that I love going out and talking to and having fun with. But with Shell it’s so hard because I know what her personality is.
She’s doing the same thing I did when I felt like I had to be the strong person, when my mother-in-law died. Sherry died unexpectedly, and my boys found her. She was babysitting my oldest and my youngest at the time because we were at a soccer tournament for my middle son. We got a call Sunday morning saying, I think it was like 6:30 in the morning, we were on our way out the door for a tournament, saying that mom had died. And it was so, unexpected and hard to deal with. That a lot of that for me, I just shoved it away.
But looking back now, knowing that what I went through, I’m trying to help Shell, let her know it’s okay to grieve. And she did, thankfully, she did tell me this morning, she called me, that she did start grieving. Because for the last three or four days she wouldn’t cry. And finally she told me that she did cry last night. So that made me feel better because I know that I didn’t for almost a year and a half. I did at the funeral. That was the last time I allowed myself to cry. And then when I broke down a year and a half later, I ended up calling my mom because for an hour and a half I could not stop crying. Just could not stop crying.
DORIS: Okay, what you’re talking about, numbness, is a stage. Denial is a stage. It’s okay. You just don’t want to get stuck in either one of those stages. Either of those are perfectly normal. I mean, what you went through, you needed to be strong for your kids, and your husband. It’s all perfect. And that’s what transforming pain into power is all about. There’s nothing wrong with anything that we experience, except our personal judgment. And when we stop judging it everything seems like it’s easy. It flows very effortlessly. We’re more like the baby. We just experience one stage after the other. We learn very, very quickly.
And that’s why I keep coming back to what I call the Curious Witness, which is outlined in one of my books. Because the more we can be curious about these stages, and keep saying “I wonder what I’m learning that I wouldn’t learn in some other way.” The more we can observe ourselves having every experience that we have, every emotion that we have. The more we just enjoy life.
Even when I’m fearful, I can enjoy my fear. And it was a long time before I understood how to do that. Even when I’m angry I can really see, you know this is passion. I want a better life. This means I’m willing to take that step to have that better life. I don’t try to push my anger away anymore. I don’t try to push my fear away anymore. And that’s really tough sometimes because as you know, none of us like to feel fear. But if I just feel it, as a sensation in my body, that’s my freedom. I’ve gotten better and better about doing that. It’s just emotion. And we’re all about molecules of emotion. If I try to stop any of that from flowing, then I’m stopping some electrical circuitry in my body. If I allow it all to flow, it flows really easily. And I can sit there and feel anything, whether it’s panic, terror, fear, and say “Ugh, I don’t like this.” And it’s just an emotion. It’s just a sensation. And it goes through.
REBECCA: I know right now I’m having a hard time my husband and father-in-law have been gone for a week. I’ve talked about my father-in-law and my husband many times on this show. I felt peaceful all week. I didn’t feel any anger all week. And, we’re dealing with situations with my father-in-law right now and anger is one of the emotions that scares me the most. I feel so out of control with anger. And I don’t like it. And my girlfriend Buffy today said, “I think you need to deal with this anger.” Because I have a really bad anger towards my father-in-law. I thought I released it a long time ago, I really did. But today I noticed I’m uptight. I’m walking through the house fearful. What’s not done? What am I going to see that’s not done? Then I get angry because it’s my house and I should not be fearing him walking through the door. And a lot of times he’s not really going to say anything because he senses my moods. He feeds off of my moods and my anger and my own fear. Which makes it worse. What can I do to get rid of this anger? Honestly, I am at a loss anymore with it. I’m sick of this feeling. I really am. And I’m trying to deal with it. I don’t know. I guess I’m just at a loss Doris. I really don’t know.
DORIS: Okay, when you stop trying to get rid of it, it will flow through effortlessly. Right now you’re still hating it. You’re trying not to have it. It makes it stronger. You’re very definitely empowering that anger. Secondly, just notice that you’re judging you. Like you said, he doesn’t always judge you. Maybe he judges you some, but you’re so worried that he will that you call that experience in. And don’t try to stop that either. See don’t try to control any of this. And that’s the thing that we think is so hard. But it makes life so simple. If you say, “Oh, I see Rebecca right now. Rebecca, which is me of course in your case, she’s judging herself.” And so someone else is probably going to respond and judge her, just to reflect that to her. “Oh, I see what I’m doing, I’m being afraid right now of my anger. I’m so afraid it will get out of control.”
It only gets out of control when we hold it in for so long and we’re so afraid of it that we empower it. You’re never going to be a violent person, it’s just not in your personality. So you can let go of being worried about that. Because that’s one of your biggest fears. I can tell that. I work with clients all day everyday who have that fear. Because someone else has exhibited to you some time that they can become enraged and they can become dangerous. It’s not you. It’s not who you are.
So, two things. First is, not trying to control any of this. Saying, “Oh, I’m learning something.” Secondly, observing yourself. And, a third thing really, and that is “You know, I know who I am. I’m Rebecca White. I have this huge heart. I’m not ever going to be a terrible, rage-ful kind of person. It’s just not who I am.”
REBECCA: Great, thank you. That’s really good. Barb was saying, “Go in and beat a pillow.” And I have to comment to that because Barb I’ve done that several times. In fact, I’ve beat one so hard I bust the stuffing out of it. That’s no exaggeration.
(Laughing)
KIM: You pillow beater!
REBECCA: My husband came home and goes, “Why are you going to the store” I said, “Go look at our pillow.” And he walked in the bedroom. He goes, “What the!!! What did you do?” And I’m like, “Um, beat the pillow.”
(Laughing)
REBECCA: But I was so enraged at that point. Not that I, like you said, I don’t put it out on anybody else. But I went in my room and did it because I was so angry. But it was definitely a good thing for me to do. Go get that pillow. But you’re right, I am not that type of person. And I have been around that type of experience before and that is a very scary experience.
DORIS: Can I comment on the pillow?
REBECCA: Yes.
DORIS: Okay, so beating a pillow is really good. Like he said, you’re not going to hurt anybody else. And there’s a point at which you can allow that to switch into something else. If you freestyle dance to music that you like, and you start out really beating the air, what you’ll find is the longer you freestyle dance you will eventually run out of that kind of steam. Of expressing that anger. And you’ll eventually roll it into joy. Because pain and pleasure are side by side in the brain. All the negative and positive emotions are side by side. And so movement, is really good. Including beating the pillow, like you said. If you move it into freestyle dance, something else will happen. Because your arms will eventually start doing something different. And you will eventually feel joy.
REBECCA: And that is to true with dancing.
KIM: I love that.
REBECCA: Kim we’ve had what, Doris is our third speaker this week who has talked about dancing. That’s what I love doing and I think somebody above is trying to say, “You love to dance to music. Will you get the hint now?”
(Laughing)
REBECCA: Because it’s popped up so many times this week in conversations.
DORIS: There have been studies on things like pillow beating. There’s a point at which the value kind of runs its’ course. Because it’s really good, you’ve never expressed yourself before. You have to express yourself. You have to learn, “Hey, it’s safe for me to express myself. Nobody’s going to get after me anymore. Nobody is going to tell me I can’t be angry when I am.” Nobody is going to say Rebecca, you just can’t have any feelings. And yet you love Rebecca enough that you also want to give yourself an opportunity to move into a different stage. Which is, recognizing that positive and negative emotions are side by side. So you don’t have to just stop with the negative. You don’t have to just stop with the anger.
There’s a point at which, what you’re doing is always building neural networks in your brain. And so if the brain gets this association that I can start with just expressing anger and then I can move into joy, then you start building a neural network of moving from anger to joy. You’re physically doing it. And physical movement is so powerful. Because it’s molecules of emotion moving. And we are physical beings.
REBECCA: That is very true. I love it when you speak about joy. And you can go to Doris’ website for more updates, More Joy on the Job. And I love reading all her articles. Even though a lot of it has to do with working on the job, which it’s for working from home too. Doris has always got so much useful and helpful information. I know Doris, this is just going to embarrass you.
(Laughing)
REBECCA: I’m good at that this week too. I just am so proud that I met you. And that you’ve been a part of my life. There’s been so many different people that have stepped into my life in the past couple of years. And the instruments that everybody has been, in helping me deal with things I have been struggling with my entire life. And I just want to thank you publicly. Because you’ve been another one of those people that have really helped me out. Just like Kim. And you’re both on here. I was saying in the beginning Kim, you missed this, I was so excited because both you and Doris are on the show and both of you have been big help and support for me that last couple of years. So I’m thanking you publicly. Thank you both.
KIM: It’s great to meet in a triangle, right?
(Laughing)
DORIS: Yes, and I bet Kim feels the same way. You know, it’s an honor to know you. It’s an honor to be able to be a part of your life.
KIM: Absolutely. I stand up in agreement 100%. Rebecca is a beautiful, lovely lady.
REBECCA: Oh thank you. I…thank you. That’s one think I’ve got to learn. To take compliments. I’m not used to that. But thank you very much.
DORIS: You’ve come a long way.
REBECCA: Yeah, I have actually. Thank you again. Now, there other emotions people have a hard time dealing with Doris, is insecurity. Whether it be insecurity in their job, insecurity in their family life, insecurity in how they feel about themselves. That’s another major emotion that we as humans have a hard time dealing with. Because we all want to be loved. We all want to be respected and well liked. That sometimes security can override everything else. Do you agree with that?
DORIS: Oh, of course I do. And the thing that people find out for example when they go back to their high school reunions, I have clients who talk to me about this, and they say, “I’m so afraid to go back. I bet everybody’s ahead of me. And I was always feeling insecure.” They go back and they discover that everybody else has now matured enough that they’re going, “Boy, did we all feel insecure.” People were feeling their own insecurities so much they never bothered, or they didn’t really have the energy to look around and discover that everyone else is a mirror for them. We are all so connected. If I’m feeling insecure then you can bet yourself that I’m surrounded by people who are also feeling insecure. It’s just human nature. And we can either love ourselves and love each other, who are also us, enough to help each other through these stages, or we can try to act like we don’t feel insecure which, again, empowers the insecurity. Anything we try to push away just grows.
REBECCA: Right.
DORIS: So there’s nothing wrong with it. Because it’s a tool. I mean, all these things are tools. It’s where, “Okay Doris, you recognize right now that you don’t feel secure enough in yourself to go out and do this kind of technological feat,” which for me is tough by the way, and so if I challenge myself then I’ll feel better about myself. And so I have a choice. I can either “wah, wah, wah, I’m not capable,” or dodge it. Or I can say, “I’m willing to learn just a little bit more and push myself just a little bit more.” And then I feel better!
I remember the days I couldn’t even put a printer cartridge in feeling comfortable with it. And then I was surrounded with people like Rebecca who were just whizzes with technology.
(Laughing)
REBECCA: I am now, but I wasn’t five years ago. I couldn’t do an attachment in email five years ago.
KIM: I’m laughing because what Doris just said could’ve come from my mouth.
(Laughing)
REBECCA: I love that you said that Doris. That you just pushed yourself a little bit, because that was me. When I came on five years ago, I barely knew how to post in forums. Then I learned that. Then I didn’t know how to do attachments. Then I learned that. And then it came out of necessity that I learned all the other stuff that I know now. But I found that with each thing that scared me, each thing I learned, the pride that came out, that I learned this, look what I did, wow! That was such a great feeling.
DORIS: Everything in life is that way. Everything that we feel like is challenging for us, we can either accept it or it probably will magnify itself and come right back in the next day. You can get your bottom dollar we’re not going to get out of here until we keep facing some of these things that come up over and over and over again.
REBECCA: Which would probably be why that one issue to anger keeps coming up. Because I need to learn it. Because it keeps coming up and up and up.
DORIS: Yeah, just be okay with it. It’s part of the human experience. And I know it’s tough. I’ve been there. I really worked for years and years and years, being exactly where you are.
REBECCA: It’s just so good to talk to somebody that has been where you are now. Or, like my mom says, and she’s going to giggle because she just told me this yesterday, “When we the younger generation learn from those who are our elders,” I’m not trying to age anybody so don’t go “agh”, but those who have had experiences just like ours, and we learn from them, what a great experience. Just like anything I would experience, like passing on to those that are my friends. What a great experience. Instead of us having to make the same mistakes, we can go, “Oh, I went through this. This is what helped with me. Maybe this might help you.” I love that.
DORIS: The reason I take classes is because I really don’t have time to make every mistake that can be made. And so I get consultants who can help me, with tech things for example. In my own limited little way I keep ambling forward. Because they already know some things. Why wouldn’t I cut my learning curve?
KIM: Definitely.
REBECCA: There is, I believe, trying to remember, you talk a little about ego I believe. But is it the ego that is? It’s gotta be you, and I’m sorry that ….the little person in us that is constantly, supposed to be our protector but he’s really not. Can you explain--
DORIS: The guardian.
REBECCA: Yes, the guardian. I knew you had a word for it. Can you explain a little bit about that to us?
DORIS: Sure. The reason I didn’t use ego when I wrote TRANSFORMING PAIN INTO POWER is because ego isn’t really understood by most people. Ego is simply the roles that we play. It’s who we think we are. And people are always trying to get rid of their ego. When the ego’s just your friend too.
The guardian is a really sweet concept. We develop the guardian as children. And let’s say for example you were a little kid and you were trying to reach cookies on the top shelf. You knew you weren’t supposed to get up there, that’s why they were on the top shelf. And you kept reaching and reaching, you’re on this wobbly stool, and you develop this guardian to protect you. Because it would say, “Stop! Stop trying to get up there. You’re not big enough. You’re not strong enough. You’re not powerful enough. Stop.” Well that was good, at the time. It kept you from breaking a leg. It kept you out of trouble with the adults who had hidden the cookies from you. The only problem is, this guardian that we created to protect us, continues to live inside of us. And we are big enough and strong enough and powerful enough now to achieve our objectives. And so now all we have to do is see the guardian and say “Ah, that’s my friend the guardian, that wants me to think that I’m not capable. Well, I’m not the little kid anymore, I am capable now.” And so instead of trying to push the guardian away we just say hello to it. “Oh hello, that’s that little piece of me that I invented. It’s letting me know that it still wants to protect me. So I can thank it and I can give it a new job description.”
You know, I changed mine into a Curious Witness. And when it helps me see things that I’m doing, like when I’m judging myself, or when I’m judging other people, or where I’m trying to push away a negative emotion, then I can just be curious about that. And say, “Oh, okay, I observe myself doing that. That’s my freedom, it will change on its’ own.”
REBECCA: And the interesting thing, and I know it’s talked about all over, and I know we all know this, is that sometimes we tend to push it aside, is that our emotions can also feed into our physical bodies. As far as, [cough] excuse me here, as far as we don’t, not master, but if we don’t allow our feelings no matter what we’re feeling, it will somehow manifest into something in your body.
For instance, I do have Lupus. And so there are days when I’m in a lot of pain. And then, I was reading something one day, I was in a lot of pain, my fingers were locking up, I had a lot of things I had to do. And I needed my hands to work that day. I really did. And someone goes, it was in the class, you know you talk about how you were feeling and things in your life that maybe it’s going into your physical body. And I sat there one day, and I’m going, “Okay, what have I really been feeling the last few days?“ Because I went a whole year without any symptoms. And felt really good and thought I went into remission, etc. And I realized I was bottling anger, I was bottling, and this was when I finally did my release and finally broke down, when I went through all these steps. But I was bottling all these things up and it manifested , because it was anger, I was tightening up, it went into my hands. Does that make sense?
DORIS: It makes perfect sense. I mean, people do that all the time. That’s primarily one of the joys of helping people, with these kind of situations. Because wonderful things can happen when you just recognize it. And then you express yourself. You say, “Rebecca, you’re not a child anymore who people tell not to feel what you feel. You’re not a child anymore that people say you can’t express yourself. You express yourself and find some ways of bringing joy and doing that as well as simply expressing.” And I think you’d be amazed at what happens to your body.
Another thing that I love to recommend to people is laughter. Because that loosens up a lot of things. I’ve been teaching laughter yoga to people lately. And that’s a wonderful way that people can express themselves. There’s so many deep breathing techniques that happen naturally with that. And people are finding that disease actually changes.
REBECCA: Now there’s a question in the chat room, from Barb, and she wanted to know what you think of the inner child.
DORIS: Oh I think we all have a really interesting relationship with our inner child Barb. There are parts of our inner child that we try to get rid of. The one that wants to go out to play when it’s time to work. The one that’s afraid because we have unresolved situations in our life. And so we try to push away the inner child that’s saying, “Hey, please let me heal. I’ve hung out with you all these years, would you please let me heal this little piece of myself.” And so Barb, the thing to do is to say hello to your inner child every opportunity possible. You know, buy yourself an ice cream as if you’re buying it for your inner child. Color, play games, be out in nature, be wild and free in a really constructive way. And your inner child will continue to link and heal and be more with you as the adult and trust you more.
When we try to push the inner child away, the inner child fears or dislikes the adult as much as it possibly did the parent, when the parent did certain things. And the more we can link and bond and support that inner child, and still get our work done, then the more we heal spontaneously. And all of a sudden you look around and you realize maybe 99% of the pieces of your inner child that were needing to be healed have already been healed and maybe there’s just a little tinge here or there.
REBECCA: I was wondering if, one of the ladies in the chat room had expressed something that, she said she grew up in a house where anger was expressed all the time and not always in the safest way. What was your advice, because I know you’ve dealt with a lot of clients I’m sure who’ve had the same situation, how would you help that person learn how to express their own emotions? Because they’re in an unsafe situation. The anger that’s not being expressed in a safe way.
DORIS: Right. Okay. And I understand that one first-hand by the way. Okay, first is safety. If you have any feeling that you’re not safe, you need to make sure you’re safe. And second, you need to express yourself. We talked about some of the ways to do that. Physical is always good because we are molecules in motion. And so whether it’s kneading a ball of clay and reshaping the clay, whether it’s pounding a pillow, or moving into freestyle dancing, we’ve talked about some of that. Something to physically express yourself, is going to help you tremendously. And then third, you will spontaneously move into compassion which is the sweetest stage. Because you will look at the other person and you will think, “How sad that they didn’t have the opportunity that I’m giving myself. They didn’t have the opportunity to have safe and constructive ways to express anger.” Once you become compassionate towards them, 99% of the time they will find a new target. And so you need to have boundaries in your mind, “What am I willing to put up with? What am I not?” And just be a repeat, repeat, repeat in the sense of, “This is okay for me. This is not okay for me. I’m not going to allow this. I’m willing to allow that.” The person will get it. Because you haven’t in the past, maybe expressed your boundaries, it may take a while. But the more consistent you are the more they will just gradually just quit bugging you.
REBECCA: Okay. And she says she’s done that. But this person is still stuck in their anger. So basically, what would be your advice in that? Because I can actually…that’s the way my father-in-law is. He’s angry all the time. And I’ve done everything Doris said to, but he’s always angry. He’s always taking it out on us. And unfortunately we can’t move, this is our house, and he’s got the right to stay. So we’re kind of stuck.
DORIS: And so where can you set boundaries?
REBECCA: Me personally, I can set boundaries as far as opening my mouth. For the longest time… I know the first couple of times I did not handle it right. I lost my temper and screamed. With my father-in-law you don’t do that because it just gets worse. Recently I’ve started to express myself in a quieter voice and I’ve noticed that he is picking up on that. And I’ve kind of gotten my power as far as that. But the major thing for me personally, because this is my house, that I’ve noticed, and I’m so proud of myself, I dry-walled all my kitchen walls this morning, is that I’ve been making changes in my house. Long story short for new listeners, is this house was my father-in-laws house. And he sold it to us. So since we’ve been making changes around here, more of me is showing up. Which has given me more power. That’s how I’m dealing with it.
DORIS: Okay, well I want to address you and Barb. Because you’re right on Rebecca. First of all, they’re stuck. You’re not. You’re exerting your choices. They’re not. They may never grow up and that’s okay. And it’s not fun being around them, and so set boundaries where your out of sight as much as possible, out of their way. And still owning your power. The thing with someone who has bullying behavior, their power grows the more you react to it. The less you react to it, the less they bother you. And anyway over time you’re “That’s just Fred over there. He’s just doing his thing. It used to bother me, but I am so powerful within myself. I am so connected with myself that he can’t bother me anymore.” And that’s your power. Like you said, own your environment.
I wish that I could show you some exercises right now, physically. But I need to physically show you. Or you need to look in the book to get. Because there’s some other ways you can reconnect with your real self. I’ll give you one quick example. And that’s, let’s say you connect your thumb to your thumb and your second finger to second finger and so forth so that all your fingers are connected. Feel that energetic system which is you and you breathe really, really deeply. And then you’re not as affected by them. That’s kind of a basic exercise that I would move from if I was coaching you or you were reading the book you would see it. But that’ll get you started. Because the whole thing is about reconnecting you to you. And then it’s as if they’re off on another planet. It’s as if you’re surrounded by a bubble. And you’re impenetrable. Even though we’re all connected, there are some people that you need to send their energy back to them. And that’s where eventually you get to compassion.
Right now I have two people in my life and I just send them back tremendous love. And they leave me alone. Because when they try to affect me, from a negative point of view, I go “yeah, their stuff”. You know, I just love that place, because I’ve been there, I know it’s really tough to be unstuck when you’re really stuck. I can see where they’re stuck. But I’m not going to allow them to affect me. And so I’m going to send love to them. And the love makes things happen within them. And they have to start eventually looking at their own stuff. I wish I had more time with you both about that because it’s a really sweet issue and we could go step by step with that process. What else would you want to cover right now about it?
REBECCA: Well, I guess the biggest thing, and you were talking about sending love back to him, is it’s so hard for me. I try, I sit there and I do send love back, I do that, but he …and I honestly believe that for him, the reason why he’s so angry is him and mom had a fight the night she died. And he has moved through every stage but getting over the anger stage.
DORIS: At himself.
REBECCA: Exactly.
DORIS: Yeah, and so he’s stuck because he can’t feel his anger at himself. Because he feels guilty. We all have things we feel guilty about sometimes. So you can see what’s going on with him. You’re very, very good at looking at people and reading them. And I suspect Barb is too. Because people who have these challenges typically read people really, really well. It’s a good defense mechanism that we develop when we have those experiences. And let’s say you can’t send love to him at this moment. That’s okay. You’re not being treated well and it’s hard to send love back. Yet you can tend to be as neutral as you can and tend to be as observant as you can. Love yourself more. The more you love yourself the more this will simply take care of itself eventually. And it’s tough in the middle stage, which is where you are right now. So again it’s about safety. It’s about not judging the experience and saying “What am I still learning because I’m still having this experience? So what can I still learn from it? Is there still a little piece of me that needs to get out there and express myself? Is there still a part of me that needs to go up to this person and say, no? No, no.” Because until you finish that, it will continue to come up. There is no way around standing up for yourself until you’re done.
And we hate it sometimes. We’re like, “I’ve already done this. I don’t want to keep standing up to this bully.”
REBECCA: Sounds like me.
DORIS: But, we don’t get to get out of that one until we’re done. It’s like, “No.” Flat tone of voice - “No. No, no this is not okay with me. No, this is okay with me and this is not.” So Barb I understand …go ahead.
REBECCA: When he starts doing stuff like he does, even if all I can say is no, if I say no, that should get my point across, right?
DORIS: Yes.
REBECCA: Because I’ve said many other words. But I’ve never said no.
DORIS: Do you understand the power in fewer words?
REBECCA: I’m starting to get it now.
DORIS: Yeah, use as few words as possible. Especially with somebody who has bullying behavior. And the bully will stop bullying us and he will go somewhere else when we don’t put up with it consistently. If there’s a little break in our behavior, the bully will come back, “Ah! Still vulnerable. I’m here.”
REBECCA: Which has happened, yes. That makes a lot of sense. That’s the one thing I haven’t done. I’ve never really said no. I’ve always expressed, “This is my house, blah, blah, blah.” But I’ve never said, “No.”
DORIS: Yeah, just “No.” See okay, here’s the point, if you’ve never just said no, and this may be true for Barb or not, then there’s still been some defensiveness about saying no because you have to say, “Why no?“ Okay, you don’t need to say, “Why no.” Just, “No. I’m an adult and I’m saying no.”
REBECCA: Very good advice. Jen real quick, has said she doesn’t see her person as being a bully, but the anger is still there. So she could use most of the same techniques, correct? Even though she doesn’t see this person as a bully. This person is just very angry because she has issues. And when she gets angry she just explodes on short notice. There’s like no warning, she just explodes.
DORIS: Okay, couple of things here. First of all, usually if we see someone who is angry and it irritates us, we have some anger we haven’t dealt with. Okay? That may or may not be true for her, I haven’t talked with her. But 99% of the time, I see it with clients, I see it with myself all the time. If my anger bothers me, or if they’re anger bothers them, as a client of mine, it’s simply because they have some unresolved anger they haven’t dealt with. And this other person is providing a service. They’re saying, “I’m showing you what you can’t see about yourself.“ So that’s one explanation. And again, I’d have to talk with the person to know what’s going on.
And the second is, what we just said - “No, no, no. No that’s not what I want around me right now.“ Sometimes we literally have to, out of love, point something out to a person so that they can finally change. Maybe no one else has had the courage to do it. Maybe everyone else has just put up with it and talked about that person behind their back.
REBECCA: Very true. Now, we have four minutes left Doris, and I’d love for you to go ahead and tell the listeners about your two books and where to find more information. And where to go to read articles and that as well. Oh and tell them about your show too. You have a radio show. Tell them about your radio show as well.
DORIS: We do. Rebecca’s been a guest. We have wonderful people on the show. It’s the “More Joy on the Job” Radio Show. And you would find it by going to www.morejoyonthejob.com. And the reason I recommend that is because you have people like Rebecca and you have people of all different walks of lives talking about how you can create more joy on the job. What brings it to you and then I also contribute because I’ve worked with people in 21 different organizations and interviewed hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people to share with you how to have more fun at work. The other is TRANSFORMING PAIN INTO POWER. Which we’ve been talking about more extensively today than the book JOY ON THE JOB. TRANSFORMING PAIN INTO POWER, as I said, I wrote to complete some stages for me, about victim-hood and to make sure I had really finished graduating from the victim-hood mentality. Because that’s our freedom. When we totally break out of that, when we stop judging the experiences that we had, and instead every possible source of value in that experience, then we’re free. What that book will do, it will empower you to handle all these kinds of situations that we’ve been talking about today. And to really feel comfortable with being the powerful, capable person you were destined to be. Because if you’ve had experiences like you’ve been describing on this show, you have a destiny to help other people by graduating yourself.
So anyway, the two URLs Rebecca, Transforming Pain into Power and More Joy on the Job.
REBECCA: Well I want to thank you so much for coming on Heal Yourself Talk Radio, again. Those who are interested in hearing more about Doris just go to www.healyourselftalk.com as well. Doris has been on Heal Yourself Talk Radio a lot over the last year and a half. There’s a couple more interviews on the site with Doris. And my son just woke up, he’s home sick, so if you hear him talking, we’ve got a few minutes left, just hold on baby. For more information you can go to www.healyourselftalk.com. If you have any questions for myself or Kim, you can email me, Rebecca, at Rebecca@healyourselftalk.com or Kim at kim@healyourselftalk.com. All this weeks shows will be up on Heal Yourself later this weekend. Right now they’re all up on Blog Talk Radio. And we’ve got one minute left so I’d like to leave with a reminder that Patch Adams will be on Tuesday, April 15th at 2:00pm Eastern. And if you have any questions for any of us let me know. Go ahead and look around Heal Yourself Talk. As always, with Heal Yourself Talk Radio, our motto is “Desire it, believe it, accept it and receive it.” Everyone have a great week. I’ll see you on the Skype rooms, chat rooms, or on the show next Tuesday. Love you all and peace. Thank you Doris.
DORIS: Love you all too. Thank you so much, both of you, Kim also.
KIM: Thank you Doris.
REBECCA: And we’ll see you next week. Bye now.
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